[identity profile] first-seventhe.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] brokenprism
The One With All Of The Hatred

Fandom: FFIV (/ Friends crossover)
Characters/Pairings: Zeromus, Cast of Friends
Rating: G (for god-awful)
Warnings: Absolute crack.

For: The Alphabet Meme, [livejournal.com profile] safety_caesars, for Z: "Z IS FOR ZEROMUS. AS IN ZEROMUS STARS IN AN EARLY 90S SITCOM."

Notes: I know it says "early 90s" but, uh, I didn't watch TV during… the 90s. >.> I picked Friends because at least I know the names of the characters and a little about the show. I don't know much beyond the names, though, so sorry if you're a Friends fan, because this is probably the anti-canon.

Becky forgive me this is all your fault

Summary: Joey's new roommate is a bit of a downer.

- - -

Phoebe watched as the newcomer headed up to the cash register, and then leaned over towards Monica, saying with a dramatic stage-whisper: "I don't know! I think he might be into you!"

"You think?" Monica tilted her head. "I'm not sure. He doesn't really seem interested."

"Oooh." Phoebe shifted on the couch in excitement. "Well, I'll find out!"

They watched as Joey's new roommate came back and settled, awkwardly, into the oversized armchair. He was an odd-looking man, his hair a streaky pixilated mess of brown-grey, with bulging red eyes – and yet, there was something about him, some strange kind of air or aura, thick with that intriguing sense of mystery no girl could ignore for long.

"So, Zeromus." Phoebe made an extravagant show of smoothing wrinkles from her dress. "That's a funny name. Is it ethnic?"

Zeromus said nothing for a long moment, and then he lifted his coffee mug to his lips and growled, "I WOULD CAST THE POWER OF MY UNDYING HATRED ON YOU ALL, BUT YOU DO NOT DESERVE EVEN AN OUNCE OF THE GLORY THAT IS MY HATE AND LOATHING FOR YOUR WORLD."

"Great!" Phoebe beamed in his direction. "Except that I don't think that's an answer."

"THIS IS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT." Zeromus sipped his cappuccino. "I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON CECIL FOR SENDING ME TO THIS PITIFUL WASTELAND."

"Ooh, hey!" Monica sat up. "It's Rachel and Joey!"

The two newcomers greeted everyone, and Rachel sat down on the couch beside Monica while Joey clapped his new roommate on the back.

"Hey, Z-Man! How are you fitting in with, you know, the crowd?"

Zeromus glanced up at Joey, and then back down into his coffee. "SOME DAY YOU WILL KNOW THE POWER OF THE ULTIMATE HATE I BEAR."

"Great." Joey chuckled. "I'm glad you guys are hitting it off! We hang out a lot together, but we want you to feel totally welcome!"

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD," Zeromus said, "AND USE YOUR PITIFUL BODIES TO FUEL MY POWERFUL REVENGE."

Rachel stood up, gesturing awkwardly at the counter. "Do you, uh, do you need anything?" she said, tilting her head and smiling generously. "I mean, I'm going to go get a coffee, and if you need a refill or something…"

Zeromus paused, and then passed her the mug. "CAPPUCINO. NO SUGAR."

"You're sweet enough?" Rachel tossed her hair a bit, but when the line got no response at all, she shrugged at Monica and headed for the counter.

"Psst!" Phoebe whispered at Monica, loud enough for everyone to hear. "Rachel's stealing your guy!"

"So!" Monica said loudly. "Joey, did you get a date with that girl from the shoe store?"

Joey sat down on the armrest of Zeromus' chair and sighed, dramatically. "I haven't been back to return the shoes!"

Monica frowned. "You need to do it soon! Otherwise you won't be able to return them."

Joey shook his head. "There are time limits on those things?"

"Oh, my god." Monica stood up. "Do you know nothing about shopping?" She straightened her jacket with purpose. "Come on, we're going to march right down there and return those shoes."

"And buy a thousand other pairs, right?" Chandler was standing behind the couch, and Ross had gone to the counter to help Rachel carry the drinks. "Oh, no, wait, that's Joey who has the shoe fetish."

"Shoe girlfriend," Joey said with emphasis. He turned to Zeromus and grinned sheepishly. "They never let anything slip, do they?"

"I WILL ENJOY YOUR DEATH, PUNY MORTAL." Zeromus accepted the fresh cup from Rachel, but didn't return her wink.

"Ross," Phoebe hissed. "Say hi to the new guy!"

"Hi, new guy." Ross waved, and sat down in a chair beside Phoebe. "How's it going?"

"AWFUL." Zeromus stirred the cappuccino. "I LOATHE YOUR WORLD, AND THE POWER OF MY HATRED GROWS DAILY. SOON I WILL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR."

"Nice." Ross turned to Joey. "So no date yet?"

Monica put her hands on her hips. "Are we going to the shoe store or not?"

Joey threw his hands in the air. "I don't even have the shoes!"

To everyone's surprise, Zeromus stood. "I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU." He paused. "THE BETTER TO GATHER YOUR WORLD'S HATRED AND SHAPE IT INTO MY ULTIMATE WEAPON – A WEAPON WHICH WILL SPELL YOUR DEMISE AND DOOM."

"Great!" Monica beamed. "We'll see you guys later!"

Phoebe gave her a wink. "I told you he was into you," she stage-whispered as they left.

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brokenprism

June 2011

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